Being a mother isn’t always exactly a pleasurable experience.
Sure, it’s fulfilling; it’s pouring with nice sensations, and it’s positively brimming with personal development.
Catering to your little spawn’s daily demands, on the other hand, is a grueling, nerve-wracking, and time-consuming process that you have to go through 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
You’ll be doing this for the rest of your life.
And, aside from being overjoyed at your child’s accomplishments, there’s one more thing you can do to alleviate your woes: laugh your socks off by reading these mom jokes, which are designed for parents but enjoyable for everyone.
Laughter is, without a doubt, the best painkiller and the most effective way to take a mental break.
So, here’s our roundup of the best mom jokes we’ve come across — all 52 of them, to be exact, which you can read in between feedings, diaper changes, and cleaning up the incessant mess.
I asked a police recruit during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”
“I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” – Reese Witherspoon
When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.
“My 4YO fell off his scooter, and before I could help him, he stood up, dusted off, and whispered to himself, “shake it off big dawg.”
I’ve never been more confused about whether something was a parenting win or fail.”
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
“Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby is yours.”
Kid: What’s for dinner?
Kid: What kind?
Mom: The kind you eat.
*In Mary Poppin’s voice* “Kids, time to go!”
15 minutes later… *Christian Bale’s Batman voice* “I said, let’s go.”
Mom’s recipe for iced coffee:
Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold.
Daughter: Mom, I need my personal space!
Mom: You came out of my personal space.
“Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.”
“I’ve conquered a lot of things… blood clots in my lungs — twice, knee and foot surgeries, winning Grand Slams being down match point, to name just a few. But I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” – Serena Williams
“Mom, stop you are not funny. You never make good jokes.”
“I made you.”
“When my kid tells me they got hurt doing exactly what I told them to stop doing so they wouldn’t get hurt, I say, “Oh noooooo…””
“At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.”
Whoever wrote the song “Easy Like Sunday Morning” did not have kids.
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
Nothing is really lost until Mom can’t find it.
“I just watched my child individually pick off and eat every sprinkle on the donut I gave her. She has the patience for that, but can’t wait 30 seconds for me to pee by myself.”
“My mom once asked me to close the patio door because I was “letting the WiFi out.”
“My mum just bought our cat a Christmas stocking even tho we are muslims and don’t even celebrate Christmas?? She was like “We don’t know what religion he is we can’t force him to be muslim” he’s a cat?!?!”
“Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” – Michelangelo’s mother
You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
“I always thought I’d be a patient mom, but I don’t like who I become 30 seconds into my son’s guided tour of his Minecraft village.”
“I’m not saying parenthood is hard, I’m just saying I was a LOT better at it before I had kids.”
“My kids are never better friends than when it’s 30 minutes past bedtime, and they won’t stop giggling.”
“I love to play hide-and-seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.”
“My 4yo grabbed the egg off my egg and cheese sandwich, put it on her plate, took a bite of it, and then grabbed the rest in her hand, squeezed it shut, and handed it back to me saying she didn’t want it anymore. And this… THIS is why I can’t have nice things.”
“My daughter is crying because her sister farted and I sprayed air freshener before she had a chance to sniff it. I’m raising savages.”
What is a jumper?
Something you wear when your mother gets cold.
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin
“Parenting hack: Tell much lamer bedtime stories than your spouse so that your children will ask for them instead of you every night.”
“Overheard my 8yo tell his little sister that when she’s older she’ll grow a baby in her tummy like mummy did and she was quiet for a minute and then said no she wouldn’t because when she grows up she’ll be a starfish.”
“No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” – Chrissy Teigen
“Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” – Julie Bowen
“My daughter threw a tantrum because she felt it was too early to be spoken to and it really is a miracle that we create little versions of ourselves.”
“My teen is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…”
“My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time.”
Mommy: Mommy will think about it!
Narrator: Mommy never thought about it. She knew it was ‘no’ all along and just wanted everyone to STFU.
“I wish I had the same confidence as my 5-year-old foster child jumping on the trampoline who tells me to watch him in case he hits his head on an airplane.”
If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way Mom told you to in the beginning.
“I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.”
“You know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” – Jennifer Garner
Eight-year-old: I’m hungry.
Mom: Have some fruit.
Eight-year-old: I don’t want fruit.
Mom: Then you’re not hungry.
Me: here’s your toast sweetie.
7yo: did you toast it for 28 seconds?
7yo: why has it got black bits?
Me: if you were a dinosaur which one would you be?
7yo: oh mummy good question! *talks about dinosaurs for 25 minutes while eating burnt toast*
“I always remind my kids: Having a weird mom builds character.”
Never doubt a mother! She can carry a screaming toddler, two gallons of milk, talk on her cell phone, and still shoot you daggers for looking at her crazy.
“I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.”
“Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” – Tina Fey
“Mom, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his mother replied. After dinner, the mother asked, “Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Night Mom: Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early before all of the kids, pack their lunches, go for a run, cook a healthy breakfast, and enjoy 20 minutes of silent ‘me time.’
Morning Mom: Hahahahahaha. Nice try.
“I don’t care how cute your kid is. When you wake up in the middle of the night and see them standing next to your bed, they are terrifying.”